My Spiritual Struggles

Wasn't going to post this because I didn't want to exaggerate "me me me" but I hope this will remind others that no one is perfect, and the struggles are an important piece of our evolution spiritually. Thanks!

Today I want to talk about my struggles and what I’m going through. My favorite part of the day is making videos & posts because it’s where I am in absolute flow. I love it so much. But, off camera, obviously I have conflict within that I real with every single day. I want to discuss how we can overcome, or moreso live through the struggle and learn. The process of learning and growing doesn’t have to be this uncomfortable, sticky, messy sort of negative experience. It doesn’t have to be negative.

This morning, I was doing some meditating and I decided to write down a list of the things that I was feeling conflict within about. I wrote, “I want to make a detailed list of my inner conflicts and where they came from so I can have a better understanding of myself.” Having a better understanding of yourself might allow you to give yourself a break, especially for someone like me who is very self-critical. If you find out that you do something because something happened to you as a child or that the people around you reinforce it, you can give yourself a break, and say, “This isn’t really my fault, but now that I’m aware of it, I can learn from it and do better.”

I wrote down, “I am not fully at peace with my mistakes” followed by a list of names. It’s weird how most of my regrets in life have to do with people. “Maybe I should have said something different. Maybe I should have done something different. If I could do back in time I might do something different regarding this person.” I think for all of us, other people are such an important part of life, and the weird thing for me was that I was never totally sure if I was on good terms with my brother. When we were kids, he would pick on me all the time, as brothers do. I never really had peace, though, because one day we were playing, and the next day we were completely at each other’s throats.

So, I think, as an adult, I still have that feeling after leaving an interaction of wondering if that person is upset with me. I’ve been reinforced to feel that growing up. That’s okay! I’m glad I am aware of it. I’m glad I know that if I had a time machine that I would go back and change something. That means I have regrets, technically. In order to let go, you have to accept them for what they are, and you have to love yourself through the regret. Love yourself through the conflict that you may have with the past and the people in the past.

For me, even just writing those names down felt nice. It made a lot of sense to me. I’m sure there are people who have lists ten times longer than me or ten times shorter than me. Either way, I could go through this list and write down next to each thing I’m struggling with what I’ve learned about it. It’s interesting how you can tie it all together and see the things you’ve learned from throughout your life.

The next thing I wrote on my list was that I have a constant worry for the future. “Will I have enough money? Will I achieve my goals? Will something bad happen?” I grew up in a pretty stressful household. My dad was always stressed from working extremely long hours. I can’t blame him. He grew up working all the time, too. His entire life was just work, and making money and providing for the family. I was privileged to have a lovely house to live in and we were able to go on a couple of vacations. All in all I had a good childhood as far as finances. However, the stress in the household was a lot for me. To this day, a piece of me inside is still screaming, “I’m so afraid of being homeless. If I want to make money, I have to sell my soul, I have to sell half of my time alive just to do that.” There’s constant conflict. What I do when this comes up is I instantly want to shake it off and reset. I decide once and for all that this is not going to happen. I’m happy now and I don’t care where I am, I can still find excitement and passion in my life. That’s what matters.

That helps me move on, but it’s still a training process. You kind of have to let it come up and then train it down, over and over. Eventually, it’ll come up and you’ll giggle at it, and it just won’t affect you at all. I’m only 20 years old, just becoming my own person. There will come a day, though, when this doesn’t come up at all, and it’s just not an issue for me. I’m looking forward to that day, but even though I still have these struggles, I still am totally fine. I still feel really good.

I think all of this is deeply spiritual, because there’s a clear separation between me, the consciousness, and the human I’m dealing with. The human that has these beliefs and this ego and all this stuff, and then there’s me, trying to live my life’s purpose through a vessel that’s very kinked. There’s no clear path because it’s so all-over-the-place. I think it’s very spiritual because we are just trying to live out our life’s purpose and create and allow Source Energy to flow through, but the path is so interrupted with this stuff.

I have an unbelievably optimistic view on all of this stuff. I know that someday this stuff will come so much more easily, and that after one hour, or two hours, or a day of working through it, I’ll just be back to Flow.

Another one of my struggles is that my rational mind gets in the way. So much. When I feel so connected to Source, and God, or the Universe, whatever you want to call it, when I feel so connected to this energy that is so loving and creates worlds, I feel awesome. I feel good, I feel guided, that luck is on my side and good things are going to happen. My rational mind comes in and it says, “Yeah, that’s all BS. Come on, there’s no way to prove that there’s something guiding you.” No matter how many numbers I see on my stove or on my phone and no matter how many miracles happen in my life, there’s still that part of me that doubts.

There is so much power with belief. It’s weird how you kind of have to believe before things happen. Seeing is not believing, believing is seeing. It’s not an easy process. I would say, again, it’s this repetition of keeping on keeping on. Keep on believing, even if there are moments when you don’t. Pay attention to all the magic in the world. That’s what helps for me. I pay attention to the magic in my body, the magic in the trees, and the birds, and the breeze, and the air, and the water, and my eyes, and my camera, and the Internet… just everything. There is so much magic in this world, and I think about my experiences with psychedelic drugs, and my experiences with meditation, and all of the sudden, bam, I believe again. And I have this strong connection to something that is guiding me and I feel the presence and I trust.

That’s the point is to trust. What trusting does it allows you to let go of something that you’ve been trying to get ahold of for so long and you haven’t been able to and it’s been distracting you your entire life. Just let go of that thing, of trying to control your life and trying to make it into something that you think is right. Deep down, there is something that is guiding you that will bring you exactly to where you need to go. Not only to where you need to go, but to where you didn’t even know you wanted. I believe that I am in a place right now that I didn’t know what I wanted, but I wanted this deep down somehow. I just allowed it, and here I am. It’s beautiful. So that was a big struggle for me, having to push through the doubts and the rational mind coming in and saying there’s no proof for this kind of stuff.

Another thing I am so unbelievably hung up on is accomplishments. It’s ridiculous. I talked about this in my “My Spiritual Journey” videos, but I grew up being totally reinforced for my achievements, and now I am an overachiever. Not many people have this, where they literally can’t sit still, they have to be accomplishing or achieving constantly. I found myself constantly checking numbers on Spotify for a band that I’m not even apart of anymore just to see if people are still paying attention to the things that I’ve done, that I’m making some sort of an impact on this planet.

I talk a lot about not doing and not expecting so much to happen, and not expecting yourself to create this big thing. I think each and every one of us has a place here. And I think the purpose of life is to enjoy, is to be happy, and actually follow your bliss, whatever that bliss is. The moment you do that, I think that even energetically, you are affecting this world profoundly. I walk into a room full of negative people and I feel it. I walk into a room full of positive people and I feel it. It’s real. It really is.

I remember one of my favorite examples of connection energetically was one time I was sitting and praying for my cousin. I love him so much and I was just hoping he’s doing well and I was just sending him all the love I could possibly send him. I was asking anything else that’s out there to just shower him in love and appreciation because he deserves it. The next morning, I get a message from him for the first time in months. Things like that reinforce my belief that we are all connected, and that if you are happy, that will travel and affect the entire world, especially if you direct it.

I’m going to do more of this since I wrote down much more than I explained here, but those are some of my struggles. If you can relate to any of this let me know in the comments below. I would love to see a conversation. You’re all so much smarter than you think you are. You’re much more wise than you give yourself credit for. Thank you all so much and I’ll see you next time.


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